fibonacci

08:21 pm: today we put a boy (who is in the hospital for video eeg, to see if his "seizures" are epileptic or non-epileptic events) under hypnosis and induced a pseudoseizure.
it was so intense.
this is what i love about brains. this stuff. the territory of dreams and past traumas and mental states we don't understand yet.
shit.shit.shit.
i may not be as wise or thoughtful about all this as a lot of you are. i am not the ideal therapist. *and* i have a stigma about psychiatrists not being real doctors. and i would miss all the stuff i spent the last four years learning. but i do interesting and very related translational research. and i care about this stuff. plus, whatever, by 7th grade i was doing hypnosis on friends at sleepover parties (really.) and reading jung... in a way it is no surprise that i love this.
would you hold it against me if i went into child psych?
honestly. would that be weird?

03:23 am: IMG_1780.JPG
life is good. but i sure need to start going to bed earlier.

09:19 pm: oh my god.
i love bay area biomedical dorkdom SO. MUCH.

03:28 am: i remembered i have a camera.
and thanks to ny (who also,really, was the reason i remembered i have a camera), i finally figured out what the hell the polarized light filter was for & how to use it...

08:32 pm: oops, i'm a gender stereotype
interesting article about why there aren't more women in science & engineering which concludes that maybe they just choose not to stay.

...interesting especially because i am exactly the kind of woman they are talking about. even down to the decision to go into medicine instead. or before that, the decision to go neuroscience over pure math, which i was pretty serious about for a while. especially after taking number theory.

so now i wonder over my reasons. was it really wanting to work with people / organic materials over Things? maybe somewhat. it felt more like: wanting to keep more doors open at once, to do things with more interdisciplinary potential (so i could think about computer science one day & psychology the next); later medicine came out on top because i realized my shyness went away when i was given a role to play. (the role, at the time that i realized this, was Caretaker, but just as i imagined, Doctor is exactly the same way. hawk said once that the best caretakers are people who thrive when put in roles, which immediately struck me as true.)

so maybe it does come down to "wanting to work with people" - in the sense that at my core i'm still awkward, intellectual, the kid who can't put down her book to brush her teeth, and yet it *matters* to me that i change when you give me a role to play and become someone people share things with and talk to and trust.

i wonder if the typical man-with-the-same-mathematical-abilities-as-me just doesn't have that same drive to expand in all directions, build community, be a Whole Person in the way so many of my friends (across the gender spectrum.. i don't think we are a good sample for addressing this question) try to .

i almost envy the ability to have a key ability.. but i never thought of the jack-of-all-trades thing i do as especially feminine.

not eloquent enough tonight to say anything striking or unexpected. but an interesting topic anyways.

05:58 pm: all right... i hoped this wasn't still on the web (in which case i don't think i'd have any record of it).. but it is.
and so, in the best tradition of hallmark poets anonymous,
15-year-old cringe-worthy love poetry by yours truly

02:13 am: TAOD TAKE PICTURE
wee

09:43 am: please email me...
something is wrong with my old email address - judging by the google help threads, it looks likely that it got hacked into because i used http://www.gmail.com instead of https://www.gmail.com on my treo - ie i was on a very un-secure wireless network with my account wide open. so now my password doesn't work and i can't log in. ted says he saw me logged into google chat a few times on friday but got no response when he tried to talk to me. presumably someone has changed the password & is using the account. i'd be curious to hear if any of you see me logged in .

anyway. it's kind of scary how much of my life is in that account. i hope i can get it back.
i've been contacting gmail help but per the help threads they usually take 4-7 days to get back to you (if you're lucky) and are only sometimes able to help you.
in the meantime, i've lost all my contact info for everything and everybody. so please shoot me an email at myfirstname.mylastname.email@gmail.com, where i am (i hope temporarily) starting over, so i have yours again. and if by chance you emailed me within the past week, please forward that too so i can read it & write to you.
thanks.
(argh.)
c.

06:46 pm: I AM IN THE BARN!
-writing to you via satellite dish, because they don't lay cables out here..
my wonderful friends eran and kathryn & lizzy came to help me move.not so much that i had a lot of things to move - the actual transporting-of-stuff lasted less than an hour - but they stuck around all afternoon and played my guitar and sang and put things in places. jo's desk is outside, as i had anticipated. i can see it out the window. it is sulking. no, i bet it likes it out there. it's much nicer not having desk taking up massive amounts of space inside. i love it here. there is a perfect place for my big old armchair,too.. if i can ever manage to get that up here (jarrett..i wonder if maybe we could fit it in your king-of-the-chesapeake-bay vehicle..you think?).
so. i am very very sleepy but the vast majority of things are unpacked. and the crickets are so loud and the stars are so many and so bright and we hung my prayer flags in the garage-part and i have more friends coming over for dinner tomorrow and i will just have to take pictures because it is hard to convey just how awesome this place is.
feels so good to be by myself at night...
only 9:30 but i think it might be bedtime.
big dilemma in life currently ( i have a three-day weekend, thank god for the psychiatry clerkship which actually believes in days off - so much *time*!) : to bike to farmer's market tmrw five miles down the hill & back, or to make tomorrow a big stocking-up day & bring the car so i can get some of the things on my list: like , spoons. or at least one spoon. even one spoon would be helpful. and some plates and some forks and a whole bunch of bulk popcorn & big glass jars for storing beans & grains... and a big chopping block on wheels so there's more counterspace. because i gotta be ready for next weekend... : )
yay. am contented sleepy toad in big new happy space.
no footsteps overhead. no angst. just horses and crickets and big bright stars..

08:09 pm: assuming i survive four more days,
i will have survived my internal medicine clerkship once and for all.
for this occasion i give you:
toad :the sunday night after a 30-hour overnight saturday call shift.



spork gives strength.ra.

08:08 pm: sachi and the ocean
i found some extra photos from pi : )
(and played with them while listening to renal pathology lectures ... but such is life)(for now)

06:22 pm: oops
i don't know why this makes me so happy, but it does. it's hitting the local news tonight.


http://daily.stanford.edu/article/2007/5/24/imposterCaught

02:38 pm: the other decision for today (which i made pretty easily) was about coffee. because coffee just works better than mate and green tea. and it makes me all happy and motivated. and my cranky don't-want-to-study-anymore feeling of the last two days corresponded perfectly to the days without coffee.
so i think i am just going to be on coffee for the next 2.5 weeks and detox in the woods after.
coffee in the morning, chamomile at night..

09:13 pm: pi 2007...
the first nearly-a-dozen photos... (i have an exam on friday... so the others will have to wait. but here's a taste, anyway.)

01:17 am: point reyes
i live in california. yes i do.

10:40 pm: noted effects of high-dose estrogen, and subsequent withdrawal
on:
* desire to look nice and clean things.
* urges to write down my feelings. in, like, poems. (i had not written a poem since i was barely 19.) and rants about abortion rights.
* nausea to the point where i didn't want to eat for a couple weeks.

in withdrawal:
* general huge hunger notable for ridiculous chocolate cravings. also peanut butter cravings and soy protein cravings.
* need to bake bread very very frequently.

both (and i wonder if this one will stay, because it's really interesting) :
* intense shivers down my whole body, sometimes left-sided & sometimes right-sided & sometimes bilateral (i have thoughts about what brings on what), to anything that affects me emotionally - ..this includes song-mania, slides in class, conversations with patients, hearing talks or seeing interactions that affect me...
i have always gotten these, especially to music, & been interested in them, but this is like five or ten times what i'm used to...

NEED TO STUDY AAA

04:05 am: rihanna
aaaaaaaaaaa
vicarious baby-having
so cute . aaaaaaaa

10:06 pm: posted a bazillion photos... piegiving, amtrak, chicago, boston...
frog can't take scott's minnesotan porn impression

08:28 pm: see scott. scott is hott.

02:42 am: goofy family
photos from thanksgiving. i think i'm gonna matte the four of my mom & dad four-up & give it to them for christmas.
i think i got a lot of facial expressions from them.