but when i became a man, i put away childish things..

i pull off the tag on my stethescope that says my name and replace it with the new one that says my name, MD. then grey's anatomy style i listen to my own heart for a second. i have a physiologic early systolic murmur. it probably isn't anything. we've done echocardiograms on each other and mine is normal. my ekg has big j-points, but we just call that "young athletic heart" (it pleases me. big muscular push). i test most of my reflexes with my snazzy brandnew reflex hammer, a gift from the department of medicine. jump!jump!

i eye my brandnew pager and my brandnew schedule with suspicion.
the pager i know will give me ptsd. i had just gotten over jumping every time i heard one go off with the same ascending tone i had my medskool pager set on... i am going to get that back with a vengeance.
my schedule is a sandwich with very thin easy-rotation bread near the beginning and at the very end, and 7 months of big gooey ward months in the middle. ie, 7 months straight without a weekend (YES! SEVEN MONTHS WITHOUT A WEEKEND. i sound my barbaric yawp over the roofs of the teaching hospital.). one of those seven months doesn't have overnight call, it's just 6 days/week. but the rest do, and there is a 5 month streak without weekends and with overnights every 4th.

pi falls at the beginning of the fifth & last month in that streak. crossing my toes that we'll have it up here so i can look forward to a day with old friends. but it's looking socal-y this year, isn't it. and i will never get more than one day off at once.

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(no subject)

today we put a boy (who is in the hospital for video eeg, to see if his "seizures" are epileptic or non-epileptic events) under hypnosis and induced a pseudoseizure.
it was so intense.
this is what i love about brains. this stuff. the territory of dreams and past traumas and mental states we don't understand yet.
i may not be as wise or thoughtful about all this as a lot of you are. i am not the ideal therapist. *and* i have a stigma about psychiatrists not being real doctors. and i would miss all the stuff i spent the last four years learning. but i do interesting and very related translational research. and i care about this stuff. plus, whatever, by 7th grade i was doing hypnosis on friends at sleepover parties (really.) and reading jung... in a way it is no surprise that i love this.
would you hold it against me if i went into child psych?
honestly. would that be weird?

oops, i'm a gender stereotype

interesting article about why there aren't more women in science & engineering which concludes that maybe they just choose not to stay.

...interesting especially because i am exactly the kind of woman they are talking about. even down to the decision to go into medicine instead. or before that, the decision to go neuroscience over pure math, which i was pretty serious about for a while. especially after taking number theory.

so now i wonder over my reasons. was it really wanting to work with people / organic materials over Things? maybe somewhat. it felt more like: wanting to keep more doors open at once, to do things with more interdisciplinary potential (so i could think about computer science one day & psychology the next); later medicine came out on top because i realized my shyness went away when i was given a role to play. (the role, at the time that i realized this, was Caretaker, but just as i imagined, Doctor is exactly the same way. hawk said once that the best caretakers are people who thrive when put in roles, which immediately struck me as true.)

so maybe it does come down to "wanting to work with people" - in the sense that at my core i'm still awkward, intellectual, the kid who can't put down her book to brush her teeth, and yet it *matters* to me that i change when you give me a role to play and become someone people share things with and talk to and trust.

i wonder if the typical man-with-the-same-mathematical-abilities-as-me just doesn't have that same drive to expand in all directions, build community, be a Whole Person in the way so many of my friends (across the gender spectrum.. i don't think we are a good sample for addressing this question) try to .

i almost envy the ability to have a key ability.. but i never thought of the jack-of-all-trades thing i do as especially feminine.

not eloquent enough tonight to say anything striking or unexpected. but an interesting topic anyways.

please email me...

something is wrong with my old email address - judging by the google help threads, it looks likely that it got hacked into because i used http://www.gmail.com instead of https://www.gmail.com on my treo - ie i was on a very un-secure wireless network with my account wide open. so now my password doesn't work and i can't log in. ted says he saw me logged into google chat a few times on friday but got no response when he tried to talk to me. presumably someone has changed the password & is using the account. i'd be curious to hear if any of you see me logged in .

anyway. it's kind of scary how much of my life is in that account. i hope i can get it back.
i've been contacting gmail help but per the help threads they usually take 4-7 days to get back to you (if you're lucky) and are only sometimes able to help you.
in the meantime, i've lost all my contact info for everything and everybody. so please shoot me an email at myfirstname.mylastname.email@gmail.com, where i am (i hope temporarily) starting over, so i have yours again. and if by chance you emailed me within the past week, please forward that too so i can read it & write to you.

(no subject)

-writing to you via satellite dish, because they don't lay cables out here..
my wonderful friends eran and kathryn & lizzy came to help me move.not so much that i had a lot of things to move - the actual transporting-of-stuff lasted less than an hour - but they stuck around all afternoon and played my guitar and sang and put things in places. jo's desk is outside, as i had anticipated. i can see it out the window. it is sulking. no, i bet it likes it out there. it's much nicer not having desk taking up massive amounts of space inside. i love it here. there is a perfect place for my big old armchair,too.. if i can ever manage to get that up here (jarrett..i wonder if maybe we could fit it in your king-of-the-chesapeake-bay vehicle..you think?).
so. i am very very sleepy but the vast majority of things are unpacked. and the crickets are so loud and the stars are so many and so bright and we hung my prayer flags in the garage-part and i have more friends coming over for dinner tomorrow and i will just have to take pictures because it is hard to convey just how awesome this place is.
feels so good to be by myself at night...
only 9:30 but i think it might be bedtime.
big dilemma in life currently ( i have a three-day weekend, thank god for the psychiatry clerkship which actually believes in days off - so much *time*!) : to bike to farmer's market tmrw five miles down the hill & back, or to make tomorrow a big stocking-up day & bring the car so i can get some of the things on my list: like , spoons. or at least one spoon. even one spoon would be helpful. and some plates and some forks and a whole bunch of bulk popcorn & big glass jars for storing beans & grains... and a big chopping block on wheels so there's more counterspace. because i gotta be ready for next weekend... : )
yay. am contented sleepy toad in big new happy space.
no footsteps overhead. no angst. just horses and crickets and big bright stars..